Perfectionism

Life has a way of teaching us the lessons that we need to learn just at the right time. I am obsessed with my schedule, especially my weekday schedule. I make adjustments to my schedule on a weekly basis, perfecting it as much as possible. I wake up at 4:30AM and everything is planned to the minute and I aim go to bed at 10:30PM but this rarely happens, it’s more like 11:30PM/Midnight. I’m hoping I can make my 10:30PM bedtime when I move closer to the city.

Unfortunately, things do not always go to plan. When this happens I notice I feel a great sense of anxiety and anger towards myself. Yesterday my intention was to run some errands with my mom, then go to work half day. When I noticed I would be extremely late for work, I contacted the office to let them know I will not be able to make it in. Five minutes after contacting the office, my mom told me her plans were cancelled. This left me a bit perturbed as I felt as if nothing was going the way I wanted or had planned for the day. After becoming aware of the way I felt, I realised there was a lesson to be learnt.

There is only so much I can predict about my life and my day. When things don’t go the way I planned, it is more important to quickly try to figure out how best I can still accomplish the goals I had set out to achieve rather than being upset that it cannot be done the way I would want it to be. This is a form of perfectionism I need to curb and I’m determined to work on it as it is necessary for me to be successful in many areas of my life. It’s so strange to have come to this realisation as I was raised by a father who made me feel as though I needed to be perfect. Sometimes I felt as if I was not good enough and nothing I did would be good enough to gain his approval and be contented with who I am as an individual. As I’ve gotten older I realised that he was far from perfect and mainly hid his flaws from those around him or distanced himself from those who could see his flaws. I am happy to be at a place where I can accept I am who I need to be at this moment. Once I’m blessed by God with life to see a new day, I know I can become a better person, not the “perfect” person someone else told me I needed to be but an individual truly representative of my soul personality and the person I’m destined to become.

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